{"id":701,"date":"2013-05-13T15:51:51","date_gmt":"2013-05-13T15:51:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/refugeeresearch.net\/ms\/km\/?p=701"},"modified":"2013-05-13T15:53:27","modified_gmt":"2013-05-13T15:53:27","slug":"thesis-hatement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/refugeeresearch.net\/ms\/km\/2013\/05\/13\/thesis-hatement\/","title":{"rendered":"Thesis Hatement"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Getting a literature Ph.D. will turn you into an emotional trainwreck, not a professor.<\/h2>\n

By\u00a0Rebecca Schuman<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Illustration by\u00a0Luke Pearson<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Who wouldn\u2019t want a job where you only have to work five hours a week, you get summers off, your whole job is reading and talking about books,\u00a0and<\/em>\u00a0you can never be fired? Such is the enviable life of the tenured college literature professor, and all you have to do to get it is earn a Ph.D. So perhaps you, literature lover, are considering pursuing this path.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"130404_CBOX_PHD_ILLO.jpg.CROP.article568-large\"<\/a><\/div>\n
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Well, what if I told you that by \u201cfive hours\u201d I mean \u201c80 hours,\u201d and by \u201csummers off\u201d I mean \u201ctwo months of unpaid research sequestration and curriculum planning\u201d? What if you\u2019ll never have time to read books, and when you talk about them, you\u2019ll mostly be using made-up words like \u201cdeterritorialization\u201d and \u201cOthering\u201d\u2014because, as\u00a0Ron Rosenbaum pointed out recently<\/a>, the \u201cdusty seminar rooms\u201d of academia have the chief aim of theorizing every great book to death? And I can\u2019t even tell you what kind of ass you have to kiss these days to get tenure\u2014largely because, like most professors, I\u2019m not on the tenure track, so I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Don\u2019t do it. Just don\u2019t. I deeply regret going to graduate school, but not, Ron Rosenbaum, because my doctorate ruined books and made me obnoxious. (Granted, maybe it did: My\u00a0dissertation<\/a>involved subjecting the work of Franz Kafka to first-order logic.) No, I now realize graduate school was a terrible idea because the full-time, tenure-track literature professorship is extinct. After four years of trying, I\u2019ve finally gotten it through my thick head that I will not get a job\u2014and if you go to graduate school, neither will you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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You might think your circumstances will be different. So did I. There\u2019s a little fable from Kafka, appropriately called \u201cA Little Fable,\u201d that speaks to why this was very stupid:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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“Alas,” said the mouse, “the world gets smaller every day. At first it was so wide that I ran along and was happy to see walls appearing to my right and left, but these high walls converged so quickly that I\u2019m already in the last room, and there in the corner is the trap into which I must run.”<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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“But you\u2019ve only got to run the other way,” said the cat, and ate it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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The mouse wasn\u2019t going in the wrong direction so much as it was walking cat food the entire time. A graduate career is just like this, only worse, because \u201cA Little Fable\u201d lasts three sentences and is made up, while graduate school lasts at least six years and will ruin your life in a very real way. But, as in the fable, this ruin is predestined, and completely unrelated to how \u201cright\u201d you do things.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Other well-meaning academics have already attempted to warn you, the best-known screed in this subgenre being William Pannapacker\u2019s \u201cGraduate School in the Humanities? Just Don\u2019t Go<\/a>.\u201d* But this convinced no one. It certainly didn\u2019t convince me! Why? Because Pannapacker is a\u00a0tenured professor<\/em><\/a>. He pulled it off, so why can\u2019t you? After all,\u00a0someone<\/em>has to get these jobs.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Well, someone also has to not die from\u00a0small-cell lung cancer<\/a>\u00a0to give the disease its 6 percent survival rate, but would you smoke four packs a day with the specific intention of being in that 6 percent? No, because that\u2019s stupid. Well, tenure-track positions in my field have about 150 applicants each. Multiply that 0.6 percent chance of getting any given job by the 10 or so appropriate positions\u00a0in the entire world<\/em>, and you have about that same 6 percent chance of \u201csuccess.\u201d If you wouldn\u2019t bet your life on such ludicrous odds, then why would you bet your livelihood?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Don\u2019t misunderstand me. There is unquantifiable intellectual reward from the exploration of scholarly problems and the expansion of every discipline\u2014yes, even the literary ones, and even if that means doing bat-shit analysis like\u00a0using the rule of \u201cfalse elimination\u201d to determine that Josef K. is simultaneously guilty and not guilty in\u00a0The Trial<\/em><\/a>. But there is one sort of reward you will never get: monetary compensation from a stable, non-penurious position at a decent university.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So you won\u2019t get a tenure-track job. Why should that stop you? You can cradle your new knowledge close, and just go do something else. Great\u2014are you ready to withstand the open scorn of everyone you know? During graduate school, you will be broken down and reconfigured in the image of the academy. By the time you finish\u2014if you\u00a0even do<\/a>\u2014your academic self will be the culmination of your\u00a0entire<\/em>\u00a0self, and thus you will believe, incomprehensibly, that not having a tenure-track job makes you worthless. You will believe this so strongly that when you do not land a job, it will destroy you, and nobody outside of academia will understand why. (Bright side: You will no longer have any friends outside academia.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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When this happens to you\u2014after you have mailed, at your own expense, the required 60-page dossiers to satellite campuses of Midwestern or Southern universities of which you have never heard; after you endure a deafening silence from most of these institutions but then receive hope in the form of a paltry few conference interviews; after you fork out $1,000 to spend your Christmas amid thousands of your competitors at the Modern Language Association convention; after said convention, where you endure tribunal-style interviews in hotel suites where you are often made to perch in your ill-fitting suit\u00a0on the edge of a bed<\/em>; after, perhaps, being invited to a callback interview at a remote Midwestern or Southern campus where your entire person will be judged on the basis of two meals and one presentation; after, at the end of all this, they give the job to an inside candidate they were planning to hire all along\u2014when this happens, and it will, it will feel as if the entirety of your human self has been rejected because you are no good at whatever branch of literature-ruining you have chosen.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This is probably not true. On the contrary, you are probably spectacular, due to the manic professionalization of the literary disciplines meant to create Ph.D.s who can compete. Everyone has a book contract, peer-reviewed publications, and stellar teaching evaluations. This was not the case when today\u2019s associate professors were hired in the boom of the late 1990s. But don\u2019t resent them for insisting that it has \u201calways been hard out there\u201d\u2014just let them buy you lunch. You may also be tempted to resent the generation of full professors teetering ever precariously toward retirement, and thus cleaving ever more resolutely to their positions. Leave them alone\u2014they won\u2019t be replaced when they leave anyway; their \u201ctenure lines,\u201d as they are called, will die with them.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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No, you will not get a job\u2014not because, like Kafka\u2019s mouse, you went in the \u201cwrong\u201d direction, but because today\u2019s academic job market is a \u201cmarket\u201d in the sense that one stall selling fiddlehead ferns in the middle of a strip mall is a \u201cfarmer\u2019s market.\u201d In the place of actual jobs are adjunct positions: benefit-free, office-free academic servitude in which you will earn $18,000 a year for the rest of your life.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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But how did this happen? Colleges and universities have\u00a0more students than ever<\/a>\u2014and charge\u00a0higher tuition than ever<\/a>\u2014so whither the humanities professorship amid all the resort-like\u00a0luxury dormitories<\/a>\u00a0and gleaming\u00a0student centers<\/a>? Is the humanities professorship extinct because at this very second, thousands of parents of wide-eyed college freshmen are discouraging them from taking literature, philosophy, foreign languages or history (the disciplines that comprised a college education\u00a0in its entirety<\/em>\u00a0for thousands of years<\/a>, but whatever), even though quite unlike humanities Ph.D.s, humanities\u00a0B.A.<\/em>\u00a0degrees are actually among the\u00a0most hirable<\/a>? Or is it, as Rosenbaum andothers<\/a>\u00a0have suggested, that the overproduction of obtuse torrents of jargon has caused my profession to hasten its own irrelevance?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Who cares? None of this will be sorted out in the five to 10 years it takes you to get a Ph.D. So don\u2019t. Sure, you may be drawn to the advanced study of literature like my late grandmother to her three daily packs of Kools\u2014but in the 1950s, smokers didn\u2019t know any better. In 2005 when I began my own Ph.D., I should have known better, but I didn\u2019t. Now that\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0know better, will you listen? Or will you think that somehow you can beat odds that would be ludicrous in any other context?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Look, smarty-pants, let me put this in overcomplicated language you can understand: Ludwig Wittgenstein concluded his\u00a0Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus<\/a>\u00a0<\/em>by proclaiming that anyone who \u201cunderstood\u201d the work would know to discard everything in it after reading it, to \u201cthrow away the ladder\u201d after reaching the top, as it were. But with academia, you don\u2019t need to put yourself through five to 10 years of the hardest work you will ever do, followed by four years (and counting) of rejection and dejection, simply to conclude that the experience was ill-advised. When it comes to graduate school, you should just chuck the ladder before you try to climb it. You\u2019ve only got to run the other way.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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—Slate<\/em><\/strong><\/a>\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0April 5, 2013<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Getting a literature Ph.D. will turn you into an emotional trainwreck, not a professor. By\u00a0Rebecca Schuman Illustration by\u00a0Luke Pearson Who wouldn\u2019t want a job where you only have to work five hours a week, you get summers off, your whole job is reading and talking about books,\u00a0and\u00a0you can never be fired? 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